November 8th, 2014
I quit my job at RMCAD. I found another job, and was ready to begin my new chapter. It was difficult to leave a place where I was loved, and respected. Where I had promise of moving up, and a supportive boss who wanted to help me do so. But I knew it was time to focus on something greater, my education. I knew I didn't want to be in higher education long term, and that healthcare is where I see my future.
So I started my new job at a coffee shop, and I hated it. And so my feelings of not belonging, and not having a place, began. I started a second job at another coffee shop. And I hated that too. So I quit. I got a job about a month ago working with a photobooth company who does events.
At this point, I feel more than anxious on a daily basis. I'm doing well in school, which is something I should focus on. I have to work today and I can literally feel myself pulling back from the discomfort. Part of me wants to quit that job too and just hide, which is something I used to do frequently before I started working at RMCAD. I don't like feeling as though I don't belong. I don't like feeling uncomfortable, and as though I have nowhere to land.
It's hard for me to put this into words. But this is a start.
February 21st, 2014
Time really does start moving very quickly as you get older. I can only imagine it getting even more insane as I age.
I've been experiencing really bad anxiety/panic attacks the last couple of months. Not frequently. But they are still extremely scary and awful.
The first ones started on the ski lift, which was mind boggling because I've been snowboarding since 7th grade, every year, without an issue. But suddenly the chair and the distance off the ground was noticeable to me, and at one of the highest points on one of the most common lifts I get on, I had an anxiety attack. Grasping for air, feeling like I was about to die, not being able to verbalize it because I was on the lift with people I didn't know. Luckily at Copper Mountain, most, if not all, of the lifts have bars. Generally it's newbies and parents who want to bring them down, but if that'll allow me to continue riding, I'll bring the bar down every time.
I kid you not, I thought I was going to fall off that lift and break my neck. I didn't.
The next one happened after a night of heavy drinking, which I rarely partake in. I was hungover, and at one of my favorite restaurants in Denver. But this restaurant is insanely busy, rarely without an hour and a half wait (unheard of in Denver). I went with my mom and Tom. We were sitting in the bar area waiting for our brunch table, and suddenly I couldn't breathe, I thought I was going to be sick, I felt too high off the ground (bar stools), extremely uncomfortable. It was loud. There were too many people. I went outside without saying a word, and took a walk. The cold fresh air helped, but when I went back in I was still extremely uncomfortable.
It happened again when we sat down at our table, this time I almost threw up (I wasn't hungover enough for that to be associated with the drinking), I couldn't breathe. But I sat there and just let it pass.
The next time was in church. Something about the realization of how many people were around me, which I have literally never considered because I didn't care, and the fact that a woman was sitting next to me and was encroaching on my space. It was also very hot. But it happened over and over the entire hour and 15 minutes I was there. At the end, we all hold hands and sing a specific song, at one point I almost had to pull my hand away from the woman next to me. I couldn't handle the entire lack of control I was feeling, or something.
The last time, was in class. Once again I had the realization of being stuck there, not really being able to leave. I couldn't hear what the professor was saying, I was clammy and sweating. I started thinking if he asked me something, which he likes to do, I would have literally no clue what he was talking about. And it continued, again over and over. The problem with that is my classes are all in the same classroom, with the same professor, from 8am to 5pm, with three 10 minute breaks between classes. I talked to my professor and told him I needed to go to the doctor. He was very understanding.
So this has been my struggle recently. My doctor put me on Celexa and gave me Ativan for my panic attacks. At this point I'm less concerned about right now, and thinking into my future of being on airplanes, or hiking at Zion (which we're planning on doing). What if I'm on a cliff hiking and I start freaking out. I don't know what I'd do. Or on an airplane? I'm already prone to anxiety attacks on airplanes, but as bad as they've been I could see myself making a scene. Luckily I will make sure I'm on something for my flights from now on, I'm saving some of the Ativan for that. It's not good.
The Celexa seems okay. On Wednesday I started thinking about death, and how much better I'd be if I weren't here. This happened to me last time I was on Celexa. I also just sat on the couch, the entire day, I hardly moved. Everything felt really bizarre and difficult, I could hardly talk. I decided to try taking it at night to see if that would help. Yesterday seemed better, and I feel okay right now.
I've started thinking about my children. Am I going to pass some of my crazy onto them? My mom is so stable, and I'm like this. I start to feel weak, crazy, fragile, like I'm broken. Did I get this from my dad? My grandma supposedly had bipolar or schizophrenia, it was a long time ago and they treated it with shock therapy. She was homeless for a while, roaming around in downtown Denver. At one point walking in the freezing cold snow without shoes on, pushing a cart. Some cops picked her up and her feet were frost bitten, so they took her in.
Is that where I get this from? Am I crazy? I know jumping to crazy might seem extreme with only the above examples. But I've jumped from depressed, to extreme anxiety, to okay, back to depressed, for the majority of my life. Digging myself a hole and hiding in it for amounts of time. Going full throttle into life and then having a melt down and not doing anything. What am I scared of? Why can't my life and emotions be more stable? These are the things I wonder.
I don't feel safe talking to Tom about it, at least not in depth. Because he doesn't understand. And I don't know, I suppose if I didn't feel this way and I had a significant other who did, it might just scare me.
Am I another Sylvia Plath? Okay, I know, I know. I'm going off the deep end here. Ha.
December 30th, 2013
Christmas was really wonderful. Tom loves it so much that it's difficult for me NOT to get in the spirit.
Christmas Eve we went to my aunt's house for dinner. My entire family tends to get together and we do a "Lebanese gift exchange" which is similar to a "Chinese gift exchange", but we're Lebanese ... It's not that funny but it is fun. My cousin announced that she is pregnant, I started secretly crying and then Tom came over and we went outside.
I would've had my little one here in the next couple days, had everything gone perfectly. And that's been a hard thing to deal with. Tom did listen to me when we were outside as I told him I would never feel 100% okay with our decision. And that it could've gone either way and I wouldn't have killed a little life. I look at this whole situation in a grim way, I know.
ANYWAY. We had a great night. It was good to see my family, and my younger cousin was visiting from Quito, Ecuador where she is teaching English right now.
We slept at my mom/step-dad's, and then woke up in the morning to open gifts. It was really wonderful and I was glad Tom joined us. He said, "When are we going to stop spending Christmas apart?" and I said "Next year, I guess" and he said "Well, why not this year?" I couldn't argue with that.
We then drove back to our place and his mom came over to open more gifts. She and I have a somewhat difficult relationship but it just is what it is and I think I deal with it just fine.
I've had the entire week off and am going back today. I volunteered which I'm kind of bummed about, but I started getting pretty depressed toward the end of the week. Not sure of the cause. I'm feeling pretty disconnected from my friends at the moment, and I think that's part of it. I'm disconnected from my art too which is another issue. Generally going through a weird slump, but isn't that just generally the case? Ugh.
And I need to get ready for work.
December 9th, 2013
Wow. It has been an excessively long time since I last spilled my soul on here.
So much has happened and a lot has shifted.
Me and Tom are doing fantastically well. We had a rough start in the beginning, I'm fairly positive this occurred because we moved in together way too quickly. Our relationship was extremely rushed from the get go. But I believe the last year and a half has been spent figuring each other out, and learning from one another. It's come to a point where it is just so wonderful. We have our problems, of course, but generally I just love him so much.
I find us often laying in bed discussing the most random things, I can hold a conversation with him forever about anything. He pushes me to do things I wouldn't do, and they turn out to be so beneficial. And he loves me more than anyone probably ever could. We're a family now.
Since me and Stephan broke up, I've spent the vast majority of my time trying to reestablish who I am and who I want to be. I feel that I have come to a very positive point with that as well. I finally feel like I am headed full on into my adulthood.
I wish I could say the same about this semester. It honestly has not been too much better in actuality than any of my past years in college. But I do know that I've had an internal, mental shift. An understanding of what needs to be done to keep me going. School stresses me out beyond belief, but staying in it keeps me feeling like I'm going somewhere. When I stop, I tend to dip right down into my depression. No motivation. Sadness. Eating!!!! (Fuck you old tendencies). But luckily I'm not huge YET, and I think I will pass two of my classes which is honestly relieving in and of itself.
I feel like my brain is really changing. I know that's weird. But they do say your frontal lobe isn't developed until you're ... mid-20's? I'm about there. Things are starting to make more sense, and I feel more grounded and connected to my future. Buying things like toilet paper and trashbags before I've run out. Finding routines. Maybe some people do this long before the age I am, but whatever.
Let's see what else. My eating has been, as stated previously, slightly out of control. My depression and anxiety, as well as using a birth control pill that was making me feel insane, have all fueled that. I wish eating wasn't a form of coping for me. I've been watching Horders, I know, and I feel very similar to those people. Compulsive eating can easily be compared to compulsive shopping, and I would know as I do both. The ease in covering up ones feelings. Not wanting to feel. Etc. I was working out like a mad woman for like two months. I was getting so strong and feeling so positive. That all dropped out once I started doing badly in school again. Makes sense, but I want to get back to it.
I know I'm not "fat" and I know that my body should not drive my life or anything like that. But being strong feels so good.
This is pretty much it I suppose.
Me and my honeybunches, he makes me look rather tiny with his height.
June 25th, 2013
|07:34 pm - Eating stuff.|
I wanted to start this journal with something like, We all know I've always had trouble and struggles with food and my diet. But then, not many people read this, so I think I'll just go for -
I know my struggles with food have been a severe, if not entirely engulfing, kind of problem. I've spent journal after journal writing about how I didn't want food to control me anymore. I've spent hours taking trip after trip to the fridge, figuring out what the next thing I could shove into my mouth would be. Bingeing on thousands of calories at a time, eating entire batches of cookies, laying in bed with Tums on my side table, wishing I could do anything to stop my stomach from feeling so overwhelmed. Waking up the next morning, wondering immediately if my path that day would be to continue bingeing or to "start over" and eat "better".
I spent much of the last couple years of high school and first couple years of college thinking about nothing more than my weight. Going from eating very little and exercising way too much, to bingeing and punishing myself mentally. These years were wasted, and they're gone now.
After reading a book my mom had about not dieting anymore, I spent time struggling between "Ahhh I don't want to do this anymore" and "No, it's my control, I have to keep my control, I have to strive to be thin or I'm going to get huge." It took me years, four years, multiple books about not dieting, lots of bingeing and trying very hard to be gentle on myself, to get to where I am today. I am not healed, I still have a very weird relationship with food and I know that. But I am at the point where I no longer binge and I no longer restrict. This place that I am at is one where I am actually able to focus on my life, rather than thinking about food all day and all night.
Without focusing on food, I've gone from 150 lbs to 130ish, always fluctuating. I'm really glad this has happened and I'm hoping it's a representation of my ability to just eat without it controlling my life. I'm kind of surprised I never got above 150, though I think it might have something to do with the fact that I've been on the verge of having hyperthyroidism for a while.
When I think about this, one of the few things that comes to mind is that I just hope someday I have a healthy enough relationship with food and my body, that I don't pass this onto my children. I want them to be confident in their bodies, and I want them to eat like food is just food and not as if it's feeding something else within them.
This all being said, me and Tom are talking about doing the Paleo thing. Opposite of my vegan years. It doesn't concern me to do something like this in the way it used to, but it could be triggering. Restricting in any way can spark that sense of accomplishment, and it can be a dangerous path. The point of this is absolutely not to lose weight, but just to rid myself of some internal physical problems I'm having. Things like consistent migraines/headaches, constant fatigue (like, we're talking literally every day I'm tired constantly), etc.
I've started seeing a therapist, so I feel if I did feel those weird twinges of control I would hopefully be able to talk that over with her and start to understand those feelings better but also so I do not go down that path fully.
I might start writing about it here, but this is just the start.
We shall see.
June 20th, 2013
It never really makes much sense. Where am I going and where have I been? Priorities change frequently enough that it actually turns out you never really have any priorities whatsoever.
My job is not very inspiring, it's dull and monotonous.
I think there's something bigger and better. I just don't know what it is.
March 13th, 2013
Things have been a lot better between me and Tom.
We went through a brief period of falling apart. I've realized that I believe it was primarily due to not letting go of Stephan, not being ready to. It's hard when you've been with someone as long as I was with Stephan. They become more than your significant other, they are a part of you. Especially because I was growing and I was trying to become myself but in becoming myself, I had another person grow with me and therefore was a part of who I had become.
So I was then forced to let go of that and be ripped apart and then try to rebuild at age 21. And that's just hard in and of itself. People wouldn't understand unless they've been through it.
I almost didn't make it through the other side. There was a lot of pain and fear, a lot of sinking. A lot of sitting in bathtubs listening to Cat Stevens and not ever wanting to leave. Wishing I could drown in my lavender bubbles, being gone seemed easier than trying to come out the other side.
I made it out though. And the point is that after two years and three months, I finally feel like I'm letting go. I'm capable of loving Tom as much as he is of loving me.
We've been through some serious ups and downs. We've grown so much together.
It's a shame that Stephan couldn't make an appearance back into my life. So we could smooth things over. I obviously crave closure way more than he does. He was always far more zen and go with the flow than I was. I never thought he'd just sort of forget about us, never want to look back. Maybe I was just the worst person ever, or maybe he just doesn't care at all anymore.
It's hard for me. Obviously a lot harder than it is for him. But we were never really on the same page about how we experienced the world. He taught me a lot, he helped develop me into who I am.
It's just disappointing that it's 100% over, no friendship, not even a feeling of ease when I see him. I generally avoid Rhino.
But I'm happy I have Tom. And I couldn't be happier that we are doing so well and learning so much from each other. I also must say it's nice to have someone to wrestle with.
December 23rd, 2012
Well, I haven't written in here in an extremely long time. I feel though that Christmas is a good time to update it, just for looking back purposes.
Things have been really confusing lately. I'm in a much better place than I was earlier in the year, I have a steady job, a great boyfriend and an apartment.
My job has been my grounding place. I'm so surprised that through quitting another job, which I don't believe I should have, for a guy nonetheless, that I found a job which has been so perfect. And I honestly wouldn't have gotten it had I not quit my job being a mountain woman when I did.
I work at an art college, as a receptionist. My job is teaching me a lot about responsibility without being stressful. There is room for growth, I'm hoping by this time next year I'll be an admissions counselor (we'll see). My boss really likes me, which is a relief.
Tom and I have been kind of rocky lately. Only because of my own decisions and thoughts. We shouldn't have moved in together so soon, and our relationship got too serious too fast. I know that Tom loves me, and I could see myself marrying him someday. But with my past, and how many relationships I've been in, not to mention how much time I spent when I was alone searching for a partner, I feel that I haven't ever been settled into being solely myself. Tom doesn't understand. I've explained it to him but he couldn't possibly. I've spent the majority of my life being a partner to another person in my life, or feeling incomplete because I didn't have one. I just need to be Carley. I need to focus on becoming the person I want to be without worrying about someone else.
We'll see what happens. Am I willing to lose Tom? Not really. But maybe I'll have to become okay with that idea to make sure that the deepest part of myself knows that I am number one, not a man. I'm only 23, I was hoping to be married by now, but I see that this is not what I want. I have many years to do that.
I still miss Stephan, quite a bit in fact. I'm sure he does not even think about me.
I also hung out with John like three days ago, which I almost decided was a poor choice, but I'm glad I didn't. It was really good to see him. Weird to have a conversation with someone who spent 7th and 8th grade experiencing life with you. I guess that's one perk of having another person in your life so extensively, they can remember things about your own life even you can't. Of course, I'm nearly positive Stephan will never sit down with me and do the same thing. But ... I guess that's where my need to let go of control comes in.
I need to do art. And work on my friendships which have so clearly been lacking in stability. Some of my friends need to work on their own flaws as well, meet me half way. But I can't expect to have any say in that, I can only have a say in my own actions. And as of right now, my apartment, my bed, are the places that I like to be.
I'll leave it at this for now.
Merry Christmas. May I have this whole thing figured out by February. I am no stranger to heartache. In fact, I'm beginning to see the beauty in a broken heart.
July 10th, 2012
Well, I haven't updated in forever.
As you get older it seems less and less appealing to update something about your life frequently. Maybe that's because it becomes less interesting. You get more used to everything happening. The cycle of life, which is repetitive.
I've been with Tom for almost three months. It seems like it's been quite a bit longer. We've spent nearly every day together. I've spent the night at his house almost every night since we started dating. We've come very far in that short amount of time.
Being with him has taught me a lot about myself. Stephan was so laid back and easy going, he just went with whatever, all the time. Not a bad quality. But for someone who likes control and feels vulnerable if she doesn't have it, that's not the best environment for a relationship for me.
Tom speaks his mind, we compromise, we make decisions together, I've had to give up strong positions that I have held, sometimes for no reason.
He's hardheaded, just like me. He can be extremely stubborn. He yells sometimes. But we're both working on ourselves together. Every time we argue, we talk about how to make it more effective and efficient after. What we both could've done differently. How to prevent these in the future.
Arguing will never stop completely, but it can be done in a way that doesn't negatively effect your relationship.
I moved in with him this month. His mom is living with him until she gets a job, but she was having a really difficult time so she left to Alaska yesterday (where she came from) to see if she could find something up there.
It's been nice to not have her here. I do like her quite a bit. Maybe not as much as Stephan's mom, unfortunately. She'll always be my submom. But at least I don't hate her.
We're redoing the apartment because it's kinda gnarly in here. Tom has lived here for 5 years, and hasn't ever really done much to it. We painted the kitchen the day before yesterday, it went from an awful tan grey color, to a really nice pinkish orange color. We just did the cabinets. We also changed the knobs so they're funky. As in, we spent $60 on fucking knobs. But they're amazing and very hip.
We bought some lightswitch plates on Etsy yesterday. PBR and I think we're going to get a Guiness one. When this place is done, it's going to be so nice.
I'm so good at being domesticated.
I still miss Stephan. Always not missing our relationship but missing him as a person. I don't think he misses me at all. It's a shame to date someone so free spirited and zen that it seems as if they don't reflect on the past in the slightest. Maybe I'm completely misreading that.
But I don't think so.
It's funny that when we were together he was so far beyond me in his likes and tastes. And I feel as though I would be able to connect with him more now. But, it's inevitably impossible. And that is something I can cope with at this point.
Me and Tom were laying in bed the other night and he asked me to tell him about how me and Stephan broke up. I told him the story. He said "If Stephan came up to you now and wanted to get back together, would you?"
We didn't work together. That's just what it is.
But I miss his presence regardless.
My answer was No, and I answered from my heart. By the way.
Tom gets along with my friends and family. He laughs all of the time. Stephan used to say to me "You already have wrinkles from smiling. I'll never have wrinkles from smiling." Indirect quote obviously, as my memory is shit and untrustworthy, but definitely something along those lines.
Tom already has smile wrinkles too.
Will we get married? Maybe not. Maybe this will end. But it feels good for now, and I am learning about myself, which is seemingly all I ever really want.
I quit my job in Colorado Springs for him. I stopped my forest service work. And I hope that was the right decision. But I suppose that's the thing about being human. You have to guess, all of the time. You hope you're doing the right thing, you hope it's the best choice. But how would you ever know? You literally can't. Even if you make a mistake, it's impossible to know that the other choice would've been right for you. Maybe if you had made the other choice, you would've somehow got hit by a car.
Yeah, I know, think about that.
((^4th of July^))
Back to the Col. Springs job. I was reading this girl's blog post about her experience with what was MY crew and started crying. The sawcrew. I got certified with the forest service to be a sawyer. Like, a firefighter certificate kind of. I miss them. One of the big fires was out there, right on the mountain you drive past on the highway, entering into Colorado Springs.
My life is beautiful though. I regret nothing. Tears are okay.
Oh, and I'm not pregnant. So, that was scary.
Oh, and I started eating chicken. Yum.
I think this might be all for now.
Happy summer or whatever. Summer doesn't feel like summer anymore.
I must be getting old.
June 2nd, 2012
I think I'm in love.
In love with a boy who tackles me to the ground and tells me how beautiful and amazing I am.
And wrestles with me.
And stares into my eyes.
I hope this is real and lasts a while.
I really want it to be.