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November 1st, 2009
06:30 am
Why am I updating my Livejournal with only 15 minutes before I go to church? Because I'm wild!
I guess I wanted to detract from yesterday's post that made me sound like some sort of druggy. I'm not anti-drugs or anything, but I've found over the four years that I have been smoking/drinking that neither of those things are for me. Every time I do either, which is maybe once every four-six months, I realize why I rarely partake in that stuff. It gets me to a place I don't enjoy being.
On another note. I can feel a shift in the air. I'm not sure what it is, but I keep trying to analyze it and what's been happening in my life. I can't get to a place of understanding, but more a place of acknowledgement that it's happening.
Stephan has been way too busy for me lately. It kind of scares me, because when we detach it creates this weird thing between us. It's alright because it just is what it is.
I'm going to go down to working two days a week over winter break, then one day a week during next semester. I don't need this much money, it just stresses me out. My paycheck this time was $280, which is $200 over what I need. I know it's silly to complain about that, but to devote all of my time to something I don't need is silly. I value my time more than most people, which is kind of funny. Colin was telling me yesterday I seem to have a complex with time. And I know I do.
But I trust my intuition and if I feel like devoting this much time to something I don't need is unnecessary than I trust that it's okay. And anyway, I won't be quitting. I don't dislike my job, I dislike my lack of time.
It's absolutely beautiful outside, the sun has started shining. I love Colorado.
Today begins a time of taking care of myself. This is extremely important. I'm done trashing my body. Ever since Sara moved in we've been making the best vegan cupcakes and other delicious non-nutritious things. If you know me, you know I can't eat one cupcake without eating six more. It's awful. The addiction to food/sweets is something I will resolve in therapy, as well as feeling afraid of time, afraid of death, afraid of not living, all of these things that get all trapped in my mind.
I've started hanging out with Colin and boy, he's a really wonderful guy. I like him very much. Caz too. It's a good thing. They are both beautiful people.
Perfect.
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October 30th, 2009
11:31 am
I literally make myself sick when I'm stressed/frustrated/annoyed.
Uggghh.
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October 23rd, 2009
06:33 am
My grandma's one year anniversary of death is today. The last year went by so slowly and so quickly at the same time.
The more time that goes by, the further away my grandparent's seem. I can't close my eyes and touch their faces anymore. Or pretend like my imagination is real. I can't take myself to their living room anymore. I'd like to think however, that even if their physicality is gone, maybe they are a deeper part of me. Or just constantly watching over me. Either way, it's a refreshing thought.
I've been seeing my therapist. She's a very truthful therapist, she knows me too well so she says fuck and bullshit a lot. Or "Carley, what are you doing?" Which isn't very helpful, because I don't know, but I feel like even when she says those things maybe she is still listening on a more psychological level.
She related my disordered eating, which she called a "roaring eating disorder"- it sounded a lot worse when I explained it all out loud- to me giving up in school when I don't do well on one thing or when I feel like I may not do well. I've been doing a lot better letting go of my obsession with eating, not the nutritional stuff, more just the actual eating part. I haven't binged in a very long time, and definitely not to the point I used to. But the whole giving up in school thing is still bad.
Bad is not a very expressive word. It could mean so many things, many of which aren't even related to the word bad. Maybe difficult is a better word, I'm still struggling with it.
Maybe I have two worlds and one of them is this like land of awesomeness. It's me in Portland, Baltimore, Boston, San Francisco, every where else. And it's perfect. Not knowing what I'm doing or where I'm going. Not too much money but enough. Meeting new people, understanding them, their ideas, morals, their understanding of the world. Then when I have nothing to do I would climb up on a hill and just lay there, alone.
The other one is this repressed, somewhat isolated, frustrated, overly controlling, confused person. And I'm happy. But I still feel all of those things.
I know you can't change circumstances to be happy, because it has to happen in yourself. But I just want a chance. I would be fine if the result was "Oh, this was a bad idea, I will go back to Denver now." But at least I would understand.
This could all be a result of my grandparent's dying. It could be a result of thinking I've had since high school that if I could just detach it would all be okay. Hm. Actually, that's a good point. Maybe that's what it is.
Detachment... Something to ponder.
I told Denise I was mad at myself because I was so focused on my weight and eating before my grandpa died that I didn't see him as much as I should've. I didn't do what I should've. I let go of the real world around me and dived into the depths of only thinking about myself and my weight. I should've been there. I should've listened to their words extremely carefully. I would have cherished each one. Each real moment. And if I would have had one more minute with my grandpa, I would have said everything I ever wanted to say. Even if he already knew. And I tried to tell my grandma but I knew words just weren't enough. I said "Thank you. I love you." I couldn't get it all out. She was so far removed from herself.
I didn't want her to hear me cry. Because I wanted to be strong for her, like she always was. Maybe life just isn't enough time. Maybe it is.
Ugh. Now I'm emotional. Out.
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October 20th, 2009
05:52 am
I have a little kitty in my lap named Littlefoot. She actually isn't that little anymore, she's getting bigger. She's gray with white and tan. I love her when she doesn't scratch me.
Shay introduced me to www.greentortoise.com, the tours are called the Green Tortoise Bus Tours. And I am taking the US Trek from August 28th-October 3rd. Then I'm hoping I will meet my family in Las Vegas for my 21st birthday. I haven't reserved my spot on the bus yet so I'm hoping there is still room. It looks so amazing and perfect, it's cheap. It looks wonderful. I'm so excited that I can't stop looking at the website.
The next question would be, what would I do with the rest of my fall semester off? I have no idea.
I've been in a strange period in my life recently. Something I haven't quite figured out yet. I need to go buy a journal today so I can write about it. I'm feeling a lot of things, one of which is an intense need for separation, as well as connection. I don't quite understand it, and it varies based on the subject matter.
Hmph.
I'm getting a tattoo tomorrow for my grandma. Her one year death anniversary (I don't really like calling it that) is coming up on the 23rd. I thought I would get something for her since I have something for my grandpa already.
This is all for now.
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October 13th, 2009
09:18 am
I'm low on selenium.
This nutrition diet analysis is bullshit. No, actually it's not. It just proves to me that I don't quite eat healthy enough to be vegan. But it's fine, so many regular Americans don't get enough of what they need. Other than iron and protein probably.
Whatever.
I haven't written in here lately. I'm house sitting with no internet. It's all good.
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October 3rd, 2009
06:20 am
Feelin' a little bad because our kitties don't have any food. They're just sitting in Stephan's room, waiting. But I can't go to Whole Foods until 7:30am.
I'm catching a little bit of a cold. Stuffy nose, weird eyes, etc. I don't know what's up with my eyes, the mascara I have makes them burn and I have like four different types of mascara. I wonder if it's time to switch to natural mascara. That's sort of a scary thought. I'm becoming a total Whole Foodian, complete with natural mascara, cleaning products and food. Complete topic change.
My birthday was a fun day.
My dad came over at 10am to make pancakes. It's overly strange to be with my dad inside of a house. I haven't been in a house with him since he lived with my mom and me in 7th grade. Usually we're in his weird covered patio area, with no heat, and very little room. I still don't know where he sleeps. We made pancakes from a Red Mill's mix, added the banana for an egg replacer and almond/hemp milk for the milk. My dad had dried pineapple and walnuts in his and I had hemp seeds and banana. Amazing.
Of course, he was on the phone the entire time we were "eating together" but whatever. I know he's trying to sell these old cars, and he finally has someone who is really interested, at least seemingly interested. But he didn't know how to end the conversation after the important stuff was said.
Then afterwards he started gathering his stuff, even though I set aside quite an allotment of time for us to actually hang out. He's always complaining that I don't have enough time for him, I'm starting to think it's the other way around.
I couldn't find my license when I decided it would be better for me to actually do something than to wait until Steph got off of school. I searched and searched. No luck. I would've risked it except my license plates are expired, I don't have my registration right now and if I didn't have my license I'd be screwed. I sat on the front porch, laying there, doing nothing. Trying to find peace in the wind and the blowing trees, but still feeling a little bit frustrated.
Stephan finally got off and gave me my present. It was a box filled with flowers, two shirts, a sweet vintage bathrobe, a funny religious poster with our picture glued on, a purse, the new Yacht album, an old Disney book and a raw "cook" book. I've been wanting to eat more raw oriented foods so I asked for one. It was really sweet of him.
At that point after trying to get dressed, I felt so fat that I just wanted to huddle inside and hide. I know that's ridiculous and I should never treat myself that way but none of my clothes fit right. They're all weird and make me feel big. I have to start exercising today. I'm fed up with being this way and I'm not even that big- probably the 130's. I'm just too hard on myself. The 120s is a much more comfortable place to be, and I mean physically comfortable because all of my clothes are for me in the 120s.
That made me grouchy and my dad leaving early made me grouchy. I tried to perk up when Stephan got home, but that stuff was still bothering me.
We went on a hike, it was supposed to be a 2 hour hike but ended up that we got about 1/3 done and sat down to talk. Stephan made me feel better without saying much, as he always does. He's so well centered that just talking about my bullshit to him makes me realize how silly and unimportant it is.
We decided to stop and walk back to the car. My mood was starting to lift at that point.
Stephan's mom came over and gave me my present, a Sigg bottle. I love Sigg bottles.
My mom offered to take Stephan and me out to dinner with Rich. Since Stephan is poor currently, and we weren't going to have a party, I accepted. They picked us up and we headed to Watercourse. I'm getting pretty tired of Watercourse, and have officially decided not to give them any of my money accept for dressing. Their maple dijon dressing makes any vegetable taste amazing.
Our food was good, I had the poboy. Stephan had the macro plate. Rich had some pasta with cheese- good thing there was something he could eat because his entire diet revolves around meat. My mom had a burrito. It was a good time, good conversation. Then I had a Ho-ho cupcake for dessert and my mom/Rich had chocolate pie. I have to admit I found quite a bit of joy in telling Rich the chocolate pie is made from tofu. I'm ridiculous.
After that, we met Amy Lou at Stella's with her wonderful friend... Brittany? And I finally met Leah, who was a completely different looking person than I thought she would be. It's funny how our minds can create a picture of someone we've never met, just so we have something to refer to when that person is talked about.
It was really great to see Amy, and good to sit down and chat. I was dead tired at that point. So Steph and I drove home, I went to sleep and who knows what Stephan did (as usual).
Today this girl is coming over to look at the house, super excited! And I'm not too sure what else is going on. I really think I asked someone to hang out today and have no idea who it was. Uhh, weird.
It was a wonderful bday. Yes.
I've been feeling good and I'm starting to remember that it's people who make me feel this way. Friends are ridiculously important, I just need to settle with the ones I have and make the best of it. I need to stop secluding myself.
Littlefoot is on my lap, purring and kneading me with her absurdly needle-like claws. Ow, but it's so cute.
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October 1st, 2009
06:34 am
My mom is allowing me to take spring semester off! I feel extremely happy and glad. Her requirement in funding me in this is that I have to travel in a group. Like, Outward Bound or camps or volunteer work. She said "I'm not going to worry about you" and although I am 20 and can make my own decisions, I completely understand where she's coming from.
Outward Bound has some amazing programs, particularly the ones that are a month or two months long. I'm going to do one of those. I was going to take Spring Semester off but after realizing I don't have any money, and wouldn't be able to save a lot before January I decided to wait until next Fall. Plus the fact that if I go seasonal at work too soon they could potentially fire me. I will have lots of time to save up, plus next semester I was just going to take art classes anyway which is already a break.
The Outward Bound program is $5,000 for one month and nearly $10,000 for two months. My mom said she would match anything I saved. So that's perfect. By next fall I could save more than $2,500.
I'm going to try to go to Boston with Marta to see Orib, if we can work that out somehow. I also want to go to New York to see my sister for a while. I'd love to have more time in New York after all.
I think my fear of airplanes is getting worse. I've had a dream almost every night about riding in one and being ridiculously afraid. It's not helping. The airplanes in my dreams are always 100% worse than real airplanes. They're like falling apart. I wish we could just appear where we want to be, none of those being way too high in the sky nonsense.
Stephan says I should just get drunk beforehand. But that doesn't help my fear of death, I don't want to be drunk when I die. Assuming I die in an airplane? Which is a weird thing to even think.
And I officially don't have full faith in my Nutrition professor. He's not very educated as far as more natural food goes. Like he didn't know that coconut water is better than drinking Gatorade as a sports drink. And he didn't know you can get B12 from Kombucha not "just meat" as he put it. If we weren't as clean as we are, we would still get B12 from plants because of the soil, that's how we would get B12 before. But now since everything has to be so clean, we can't get it from plants.
I guess he just isn't where I'd want to be if I were in his position.
I think that when I get back from my semester off I will change my major to Nutrition. It's going to take hard work and dedication, because the only Chemistry class I've taken, I passed by cleaning my teachers room after the final. In other words, I have no previous knowledge. But I'm willing to give this a shot. And it'll take me an extra three years from when I start, meaning I will have been in college for six years? Just to get my Bachelors. But I don't care.
Work tonight. MY BIRTHDAY TOMORROW. Oh damn, plus I get paid tomorrow. Life is real good. I'm seeing Caz today. I saw Kalen yesterday. I went to Elementary School with Kalen, it's weird to be able to talk about that part of my life with someone. We were in school together from 1st grade-5th grade. He's nice.
Seeing people makes me feel like less of a loner. I don't want to even talk about the loner thing, it's too negative.
And I think this girl Sara is moving in soon, which is great. She seems wonderful, plus she's vegan. I think we're friend soul mates.
My cardboard sculpture, a bunch of circles piled onto each other. It's going to be huge one day, like the bottom circle will be a couple of feet wide.
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September 29th, 2009
08:19 am
I'm not too sure I like the way Flickr uploads photos. I wish they made it simple and just had one of those HTML link things you can copy and paste. (Ivan if you want to jump in here with your computer knowledge please do).
I've been feeling a little bit lonely lately. I have a hard time not knowing people, no outlet for my extroversion. I do know people I can talk to once in a while at work and school, but no real friends. Amy, Shay and Brittni are the only friends I have left. It's actually really depressing. I don't think Stephan gets it. I had to cancel my birthday party yesterday because my birthday is on few people's priority lists.
I feel like a puzzle piece that has lost any possible matches, friend wise.
Maybe I just need to start doing things for myself. Yoga, running, being outside more, going on bike rides, walks. I don't know. Take care of myself, pick myself up.
I'm thinking about possibly going and staying in New York this summer for two months. Maybe even just one month. I need a change. It's weird that I've been talking about needing change for years, this always happens to me. I'm never able to take the leap and actually do it, to cause myself some sort of discomfort.
This summer was the most uncomfortable I've ever been, and it was also the best summer I've ever had. But I need more, this monotonous every day life wears me down. It consistently puts me back in this place. I'm aware with some mental tweaking I could change this without having to change my surroundings but I'm never able to fully get there.
So, what now?
...
Do I stick out until summer? Would I even have enough money to make everything awesome? Possibly.
( E-mail just sent to mi madre. )
Who knows what will happen? At least I can't say I didn't try.
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07:05 am
My moth leg. Looking for ideas and what else I want to add. Possibly a few flowers or something but I haven't decided. The smallest three moths aren't done yet.
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September 25th, 2009
07:28 am
I need to take a shower, my hair is at the point where it isn't "oh, kind of greasy" but "ew, dirty". It's not a good style.
I talked Stephan into ditching school yesterday, he had to work at 3pm and I had to work at 4pm. We went to my dad's and I helped him organize his computer/desktop. We only stayed there for about an hour.
I love my dad. I was remembering how hostile I used to be towards him, because at one point his intentions were a little skewed, but they aren't anymore. If I just listen to him, it's never as negative as I immediately want to think it is.
Then we drove to Heidi's for lunch, Second Spin- the record store, Independent Records, Buffalo Exchange, City o' City for a mini cupcake, then home. It was a good day and surprisingly I didn't spend money on anything other than the cupcake. I somehow gathered the strength to put back the five cute clothing items I found at Buffalo Exchange and walked away. She was like "Aw, you didn't find anything?" "Well, I just rethought my finances..."
Work was fine. I was closing bagger, which is always a tiring job but I always feel extremely accomplished afterwards.
Today I'm going to Stephan's school with him to do art. I'm excited, my cardboard sculpture is coming along! And I might bring some fabric to make little characters out of.
My digestive system has something wrong with the food I'm eating. I'm not sure what! It's really bothersome. I thought I was eating so well, no refined carbs, mostly whole foods, I even gave up dark chocolate thinking that was the issue. It's very confusing. I need to eat super well these next three days, I'm going to track what I'm eating to see if I'm getting all of the correct nutrients and stuff for Nutrition (it's an assignment), and see if the issue is fixed. Maybe I need to do another ridiculous cleanse to get this stuff out of me and start over.
And I'm getting a gym pass by next weekend. Fat loss, muscle gain, here I come.
My birthday is next weekend, I'm excited. It's frightening that I'm turning 20. I was driving by East High School yesterday thinking how weird it is that I'm not in High School anymore. How bizarre, how bizarre. 20, the big 2-0.
There isn't much else to say at the moment. I was going to go to San Francisco for my birthday but it turns out I'd have to pay $200 for an airplane ticket to make it back for my Nutrition exam on Monday.
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September 23rd, 2009
06:11 am
I need to get a gym pass, it's that time of year where I just need to do it. I wish I had more money but I will be fine with the money I have.
I've stopped gaining weight finally. But now it's time to get my body feeling good, like it used to feel. Also a great stress reliever I might add. And my pants don't really fit, they never quite did. The legs were always too tight while the waist was too big but they really don't fit now. They fall down all of the time because my butt is big. It's not such a great feeling.
Recently, I've stopped questioning things as much. I'm sort of back in routine mode, I'm going to break out again but with less of a depressive fear undertone.
What am I going to do to break out of my shell, I guess would be the next question. I don't know. I'm craving friends, new friends, new people. But then these people are not on campus and if they are, they act just as anti-social as any other person. Maybe I should just start going up to people and talking to them. It would be more active than me just wishing. It would also scare people, maybe I should just not care anymore.
I'm going to start running again. I've already started doing art again. I've started enjoying work again. I want to make things out of felt and fabric, weird creatures and things. Hm. So many wants.
But I need to study nutrition. I was looking at what I have to take if I switch my major to Nutrition, and those are some bullshit classes. Chemistry? Ugh. If I ever take Chemistry I'm going to need so much tutoring it's not even funny. Then I look at the Art major classes and they look so much better. Maybe I will just be in school forever getting my Art/Nutrition degree. What a decision.
Then I'm getting in the Carley-needs-to-go mode. I want to leave this state, I've been craving it for so long. The adventure. Stephan is far from this mindset and it makes me think I should just get up and go for a couple months and come back. I bet that alone would satisfy this constant yearning.
Or maybe I won't, as usual.
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September 22nd, 2009
06:33 am
Things are always going to play themselves out the way they should, so I'm giving up on what I'm "supposed to" be doing or what I'm "supposed to" have done by a certain time or what I'm "supposed to" look like. I'm not into that idea. Obviously for class if I don't get my assignments done I will fail, I'm aware of that much. But I just mean letting what is, be.
I love having Stephan tuck me in at night, even if he doesn't come to bed until 3am. All of the time.
I love sitting at my kitchen table at 5:30am just to watch the sunrise outside of the window and drink my coffee. Which, by the way, the coffee is always cold before I get done drinking it.
I'm wearing mittens because our house is so cold. Currently turning on the oven for heat. Good morning!
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September 10th, 2009
02:14 pm
I thoroughly enjoy having a headache for two days. No really, thank you hormones.
I don't know why I'm on the computer with a headache. Is there really anything fun to do? I don't want to sleep because I have to work in two and a half hours. That's such a long time to do nothing for.
And everything that I have to say aside from this feels like rambling. I'd rather complain than ramble.
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September 8th, 2009
06:28 pm
It's weird to think about this journal, and how many stages I've been through in my teenage years. Most of them are represented in this Livejournal. I could list off the stages, how I grew, what happened.
I think about John sometimes still. Not in a good way or a bad way, just funny that you can think someone means that much to you. I'm not denying he did, because obviously at one point he was everything to me. But I was also, what? 12 or 13 years old? Then my whole world fell apart, for a long time. Looking back at that time and how I felt, it took me a good year to get over him enough to function and I still wasn't completely done.
Then after a lot of other ups and downs, I met Stephan. Who I feel comfortable saying is everything to me, not temporarily, not filling some void that I need filled. But he just means the world to me. Maybe it was fate and the entire reason I dated John was to meet Stephan...
And in the process of all of this, I've lost and gained friends, I've lost my grandparents, I graduated high school, I got in to college, I moved out, I've gained and lost weight multiple times, I became vegan, my attitude has changed, my views have changed.
I guess this is just part of growing up. Always gaining and losing. And in the end, it all leads up to where I am at this moment. It's just perfect, no matter what. Everything that has happened was supposed to happen and although I do miss certain aspects, in particularly my grandparents, that's the constant flow of life. I suppose all we can do is accept it and try to live in the moment.
Which leads me to my favorite (interpretation) in Tao Te Ching-
Accepting what is, we find it to be perfect,
What seemed distorted is seen as true.
What seemed lacking is seen as abundant.
What seemed worn out is seen as fresh and new.
Possessing little, we are content.
Too much stuff and we lose our way.
When we reside at the center,
our actions nurture all things.
We don't act out of ego needs,
so our actions are enlightened.
We don't claim to be perfect,
so our ideas are welcomed.
We aren't looking for reward,
so our teaching is enduring
and accessible to all.
We don't try to control or convince anyone,
so opposition is not an issue.
"Accept what is,
and find it to be perfect"
is not an idle phrase.
Acceptance of life
is the only path to wholeness.
Maybe I'm learning to let go of the struggle.
And on a more today type update, I ran a mile today. It nearly killed me which is ridiculous but I'm also proud of myself for doing it. It's all up from here, marathon here I come.
As for everything else, it just was.
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August 14th, 2009
07:18 am
I have so much to say about Baltimore, New York and Washington DC. But in reality it'll be a little while before I write about that stuff.
I'm moving in to the house tomorrow. I'm really excited, extremely excited.
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July 12th, 2009
06:40 am
I've been in a Carley funk the last couple days. But it's okay because I'm fully prepared to pull myself out of it. Yesterday I hung out with Stephan until he had to go to work, then with KO. Then I came home and watched a movie with my mom. I don't like just sitting at home. But I'm doing this to myself.
It seems like when I have plans I completely overbook and then all of a sudden I'm trying to juggle all of this stuff that shouldn't have to be juggled. I don't know why I do that.
Today I'm going to church, having breakfast with my mom, seeing my dad and hanging out with Keith. Tomorrow I'm running Red Rocks with Stephanie and then picking up KZ from the airport. Leaving on Tuesday-ish to Kansas City and then biking biking biking.
In a funk but ready to pull myself out.
And I found a check that I forgot I had. I knew I was supposed to have more money. So now I'm fairly clear at least until I can work again.
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July 7th, 2009
07:29 am
It's summer time. That certain feeling I get when I wake up too early with the sun shining. Nothing to do, except just be. Maybe I enjoy not having a job too much. Get my morning coffee, the ratio of agave nectar to Silk creamer has changed which is confusing my taste buds. I'll get it right. Then I come upstairs and look at my room. A bit on the dirty side. I'm looking outside and I know the exact spot I want to be right now, actually I can think of three. All of which are outdoors, feeling the morning summer air. Breathe it in, feel alive. I'm not those places though, I'm surrounded by a sea of used tissues and cups/bowls.
I miss my dad. I miss a lot of people whom I need to see. They don't know how much I miss them because I don't tell them. I want to go to church this weekend. I want to laugh with Marta, Olivia and Keith. I want to laugh at Shay (she's too funny to laugh with). I want to stay up all night with Stephan. I want to bike up to Red Rocks because I can, but I don't feel as though I'm physically able with this cold. Maybe I'm making it up? What if it got worse and I couldn't ride RAGBRAI? I wouldn't want that.
This reminds me of when I used to ask questions on my Livejournal and then answer them myself and Stephen or John would get mad at me and tell me to stop. I'm glad I'm not the person that people try to make feel stupid anymore. That was a strange period of time in my life.
And now what period of time am I in? Maybe just stuck in the transition between responsibility and child. Between high school friends being the only friends I have, with the exception of Amy Lou, and knowing that I want to meet people. For now though, walking around Metro unable to say hi to anyone doesn't feel as bad as it sounds. I got used to it.
The fourth roommate we thought would be able to move in can't. So now we're searching for someone to come live with us. Someone who would get along with everyone. Someone who would be willing to live in far west Denver. It's going to be an interesting journey. We need to find someone who can move in August 1st. Interesting.
I thought I'd write a better entry. Here it is. The computer screen is burning into my eyes- done.
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07:20 am
I can't take the amount of snot in my nose and throat and lungs right now. I should be biking all day and I can't because I don't want this to get worse.
Instead I will research ways to make my own food from scratch to save myself some money.
I woke up three times last night because I couldn't breathe.
It's beautiful outside today and I feel like I'm wasting my day already. It's only 7:20 am. I'm a little hard on myself sometimes.
It's so nice to see Stephan. I can't wait until we can sleep in my bed together.
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July 6th, 2009
06:23 pm
I think it's a good time to post a longer entry.
We arrived in Maine and it was really beautiful. A wonderful change after my 6 days working.
Everything there is so green, and when I arrived I realized that every time we're there it seems like we've been there forever.
Camp week took a little while to get started. We got set up in our camp and just sort of hung out. The entire group originally showed up and for a few days it actually felt like camp week. Except the weather was so grey and rainy. It was disappointing. We usually sit on the dock most of the day eating ice cream and looking out at the amazing lake. It's so large and beautiful. But not this time. I got two days of sun, and I actually swam which is unusual for me.
Eventually I just got kind of tired of being there. Ready to be with Stephan, ready to be home, back in my own routine. Being vegan during camp week is kind of a drag.
We did make a few delicious things, we being my mom and me. Vegan banana bread, cookies and pear and apple pie. It was all so good. I've gained at least 5 pounds from everything but oh well.
Being home has been such a shock. It's so hot here and I was stuck in humid cool rainy weather for 17 days.
I'm trying to move in with Stephan ASAP but it's taking a long time to get oriented. I'm so tired and just... lazy feeling. But it's fine.
And just. Feeling sort of thrown back into regular summer. I'm not in a bad mood just a little groggy.
My fourth of July consisted of absolutely no fireworks, rain and asking Liz the doctor a lot of questions. I missed New Years fireworks and 4th of July fireworks. My eyes are sad.
Jumbled.
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July 3rd, 2009
09:05 am
I've added another class to my four, which was me trying to take it easy this semester. I was talking to Stephan and he said "If I take classes next summer, I'll be done!" And I guess that scared me a little considering that my first semester I took three classes and have to retake two of those.
I almost have all of my general studies done though so I suppose that's nearly an accomplishment.
I'm moving in with Stephan when I get back and I'm ridiculously excited.
Still in Maine and actually ready to be home. 17 days is a long time.
Not such a well written entry. I'll update better soon.
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